As you might imagine, much of my life is scheduled around medical appointments. Coming up are a couple I dread more than most...scans to see what my cancer is doing. On Thursday I get an MRI of my brain, the semi-annual check to see if anything has shown up there. Then a PET scan on Monday to measure the activity levels of my various tumors. We're hoping this new medication has knocked them down a bit, especially the tumor in my leg, otherwise we might have to explore other options.
I couldn't care much less about the procedures themselves. The people are friendly and the facilities impressive. That part of it is a bit like a social outing, it's nice to get out of the house for a bit. An MRI is really noisy and it takes about a half-hour, but sometimes they give you headphones with the radio playing. I'm not particularly claustrophobic but it is a bit creepy if you open your eyes, so I just nap my way through it and can be quite relaxed by the end. A PET scan is purposely relaxing...as they inject you with radioactive sugar and have you nap (again with radio) for an hour before the scan itself, which takes like five minutes...it's nothing.
But that's when the anxiety really sets in. What might they find this time? Or not find? The best news I've ever gotten is stability. Only one time did I ever have a true premonition of bad news...a dream that maybe I'll tell you about another time. In general, it seems that how much I freak myself out, or not, has little bearing on the news I get. Sometimes I expect the worst but get a reprieve instead. The last time I got bad news and was taken by surprise. I don't know what to think this time. Be complacent, set myself up for disappointment, or prepare for grief that may not come this time? More than anything, I suppose, I just don't want to think about it at all. How's that working out for you, Eric?